Tonight I saw something fan-fucking-tastic. I was open mic’ing at a great spot called the Klimat Lounge in Manhattan. We were all given a 1 minute lightning round at the beginning of the show to riff and warm up. The host gave a list of topics to riff about in case you couldn’t think of anything yourself for 1 minute. Out of the list, one guy chose “weirdest place I’ve had sex”.
He said, “Weirdest place I’ve ever had sex would be my parents’ bed. Which was made even weirder because my mom was there. And we had to hurry because my sister needed to use it next with my brother.” It bombed. The only people laughing were the comedians, and it was that pure, ichorous schadenfreude that oozed the veins of comics. “Oh my god this is so bad! I’m laughing for the wrong reason. More! More!”.
He continues, “No, no, I’m just kidding. Actually, I’m on a first date with someone from OK Cupid, and the weirdest place I’ll probably have sex is when I’m banging her in the back of this place when we’re done.” Holy shit. I mean–Holy. Shit.
Then…here’s the kicker. The girl went up! Apparently that was their date idea. “Let’s both do stand up tonight! I’m sure nothing will go wrong! It’s so easy!” She said it was her first time doing stand up, and that they were, indeed on a first date from OK Cupid!
When it was my turn for one minute, I was so into it. The situation was so tasty. I said,
“I just want to spend my minute on this situation over here. You’re on a first date with this girl, right?”
“Yeah” he says, playing it cool.
“And you thought you’d OPEN with INCEST material? And then, I love this, the way you then try to distance yourself from family gang bang jokes is to say that you’re gonna bone her, your first date, in the back of the room? That’s how you soften it up? By implying that she’s basement bangin’ a slut in front of all these people?”
He says puffs his chest and says, I shit you not, “If you dream it, it can happen!”
“And aren’t you dreamy, sir!”
Then SHE pipes up, to me, “You’d probably have a better shot at this point.” She got the biggest laugh.
But wait, it gets better. He does his set. It’s all about how pathetic some OK Cupid people are for bragging about their salary, posting that it’s 65k, like that’s something to brag about. Oh my god! So good. So nom nom nom! It’s like he’s a pińata that fell on the ground. I wanted him to have another 10 minutes. Then he goes on to reveal that he’s a lawyer. You could feel the crowd hate skyrocket, like a neo-nazi walking into a synagogue during Passover.
THEN…oh yes. Then she gets up and reveals during her set that SHE actually makes only 65k! It was probably the biggest laugh of the night, and you could tell that she was just being honest and was surprised by the laugh. Also, I saw that gleam in her eye, “I could get used to this feeling.”
I don’t think they could have planned this out. I would love believe that that was some avant guarde theater piece, but I think it was just one of the worst dates of that poor girl’s life. Maybe his too, but I couldn’t see the person through disguise of his bravado. She actually chatted me up upstairs while I was getting a drink…while he was still downstairs. But seriously, 65k? I can do better than that broke ass bitch. Kidding! Jokes, jokes…
What I really wanted to do was attach a GoPro to one of them for the rest of that horrific date. How awesome was that going to be??? Where does it go from there? Does he spend the rest of the night explaining how he’s not really a douchebag? Or does he lean into it, just pushing the braggadocio and arrogance into the red?
Call me a romantic, but that’s love.